Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
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