My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
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