I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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