i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
