I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
