i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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