I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
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