My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Randomize
