So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
No stitches, just platelets and will power
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Randomize
