He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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