he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Randomize
