i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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