a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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