is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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