my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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