I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
