I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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