i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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