I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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