dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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