3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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