He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
