oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Randomize
