i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
