the condom got lost in my hair
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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