Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
