Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
