so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I just forgot I was standing up.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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