everyone is single if you try hard enough
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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