Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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