you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
don't judge my taste in strippers
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
