Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
how drunk are you?
Several
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
