Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
