I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
