Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
