so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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