just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
