I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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