I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Why did my mother make you get naked?
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