I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
