maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
cat food counts as protein by the way
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
