I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
This toilet bowl is my home.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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