just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
