She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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