Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
