Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
