My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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