tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
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