My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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