life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
