I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
