You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
