Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
