Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
