5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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