WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
