it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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