who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
