please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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