I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
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