Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
