I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize