you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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