my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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