if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Randomize
