I think I am morally bankrupt
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
