saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Randomize
